Estimated reading time: 5 mins.
*In my best Sofia Petrillo voice*
Picture it, New Orleans, October 3, 2019.
This is the day that the seeds of “Black, Saved & Smart” were sown.
The black community awaited the sentence for former Dallas police officer Amber Guyger who murdered Botham Jean in his apartment while he was watching television and eating ice cream. She was sentenced to 10 years in prison, a conviction that very few black people saw coming.
What happened next would be the catalyst for this project. I watched, jaw agape, Botham’s younger brother Brandt Jean, offer his forgiveness and a hug to his brother’s murderer.
A HUG?!
A hug.
I understand very well the biblical mandate for forgiveness. I am an ordained Elder and the First Assistant Pastor of a church in New Orleans. Additionally, I am knee-deep in a Masters of Divinity program. Paul’s words in Romans 12:20 (NIRV), along with a few other hundred verses, rang out in my head:
20 …”If your enemies are hungry, give them food to eat. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink…”
And there, in that space, I felt something I had not felt before when it came to the many (MANY) police-involved shootings of unarmed black people: guilt. Guilt because I knew that if it were my brother, I would not have the strength to do that. Guilt because I thought that it SUCKED that he offered a hug to his brother’s murderer — and did it so publicly. Guilt because I felt anger rising up inside of me while watching that hug.
“But, Torrey,” you may be asking, “why would that hug anger you so much?” I’m glad you asked!
Historically, black people in America have been the ones tasked with the hard work of forgiveness and reconciliation. White people have the privilege to look at state-sanctioned violence against people of color individually, and the privilege to calmly call out any response that diverts from pure and full pacifism.
You know, its the “that’s-just-one-bad-cop” crowd. Black people, however, look at that same violence historically. So in our eyes, it’s not that a black person has been executed, it’s that another black person has.
The news of Botham’s death wasn’t just about his interaction with former officer Guyger. In his death, I felt the heartache of enslaved Africans on the perilous journey to America, and the lack of reconciliation or any restoration to integrity. I felt the waves of thousands of unnamed men and women swaying in the southern breeze as “strange fruit”. I felt the pain of Emmett Till. And…I don’t feel like hugging any of the perpetrators of these unjust actions.
So what was “Pastor Torrey” to do? Torn between my Christianity and my blackness, I created a post on Facebook that said this…
It felt as though my Christianity was urging me to hug my oppressor, and my blackness was imploring me to resist that urging. There were, of course, Christians in the comments who told me that the only thing that mattered was my Christianity. That the anger that I felt was simply flesh that needed to be ignored. My Christianity in me should have made me overjoyed to see that hug. They were saying, in essence, you’re not black, you’re only a Christian. But this didn’t (and doesn’t) sit right with me.
In his exceptional article “The Double Consciousness of Blackness and Christianity: Towards a Biblical Intersectionality”, Jaison K. D. McCall sums it up perfectly, “In many cases, given an issue that affects the masses, there is an expected response from the African-American demographic that differs from the anticipated response of the dominant Christian community.” I know the expectation of my response based on my ordination and I know the expectation of my response based on my blackness. My plight was now: how do I reconcile the two? Do I indeed need to put my blackness down in favor of my Christianity? Or is there a way for the two to coexist within one person?
W.E.B. DuBois coined the term double consciousness in his work “The Souls of Black Folks” to lift up the fact that African-Americans live in a constant state of “identity crisis”. We constantly have to navigate our blackness through the lens of our American identity knowing that America is hostile towards our blackness. Allow me to add that some of us are even more than black and American. We are Christian. We are academics. We are married. We are single. We are divorced. We are parents. We are teenagers. All of which we consider as we attempt to make sense of what’s going on in the world.
With all of that said, the death of George Floyd on May 25, 2020, provided yet another pivotal moment for our culture and myself personally. The video of that murder (which, admittedly, took me several days to actually watch) was eye-opening.
Seeing the former officer with his knee on George’s neck, hearing everyone gathered pleading with the former officer to release him, and ultimately hearing George Floyd call out for his mother made it very clear to me.
I am black. I am of Caribbean heritage. I am an American. I am a Christian. I am saved. I am “fire-baptized and filled with the Holy Ghost”. I am a rational, thinking human. I am educated. I am also MAD AS HELL. I am refusing to allow myself to be forced into any one of those categories if it means erasing another. Not anymore. Never again.
When faced with the challenge of maintaining the societal status quo or violently enacting change in John 2:15 (NLT), Jesus chose the latter:
Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them all out of the Temple. He drove out the sheep and cattle, scattered the money changers’ coins over the floor, and turned over their tables.
Man! This was some good stuff! Helpful and informative bro! Way to dissect this subject and issue! You spoke truth to it!
Blessings,
Thanks bro!
As a woman who has lived her whole life as a Christian, I have often struggled with the need to be forgiving of the wrongs of others. We always are the ones to give grace. But as life has gone on I realized that the same grace I give is the same grace I need! I’m so happy to know that I can still be covered by grace and still be angry! It’s not ok to have to rationalize the injustice of the world. I won’t and can’t do it! But I will provide grace. Thank you so much for this! I just love you Torrey and pray many blessings over you!
“It’s not ok to have to rationalize the injustice of the world. I won’t and can’t do it! But I will provide grace.” That was a word right there!
Thank you for this! Being black and Christian and so many other things is often conflicting. You’re right. White people, especially our good evangelical vanilla cousins, are quick to deflect to being Christian and ignore reality anytime race or injustice is brought up. I experience it almost everyday. It makes me mad as hell. They really believe that our desire for true freedom and our black pride means that we hate them. That’s not the case. We just want justice when high crimes are committed and to not be marked for death simply because of our skin. Thank you for showing us that balance and harmony can exist between all aspects of who we are.
Yes. We can hold two things to be true. Demanding police accountability isn’t the same thing as “we hate all cops”.
As a 42 year old Black Christian woman who was reared in Oklahoma City, OK, I’ve had these very same thoughts at times and even as I wrote that sentence, I thought, should they be separated by a comma or not. I believe just as I decided to write them all together, ‘Black Saved & Smart’ is a place where much needed and effective dialogue will occur to help the overall thought resonate that all characteristics of ourselves can collectively reside within us and help us to become the best versions of ourselves,
Amen. This is my prayer!
Great read !
It’s always refreshing to see and know that your feelings of anger of both validated and not uncommon. We as blacks people should feel okay with expressing our feelings of contempt without being labeled as “angry black woman.”
I have learned that it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for a whites person to feel our plight or to fully understand our feelings. I just continue to pray that one day we can move towards a society where we are all treated equally. Because This society is no different from slavery , it’s just being manifested in new terms.
Part of the attempt to dehumanize people is to disallow them to have/express their feelings. But we are people and it’s okay for us to get mad without fear of labels.
Torrey,
This is a great start to a critical dialogue that so many of us experience. The dichotomy that comes with the boxes placed on us by society is overwhelming. It is critical that these conversations be had, especially in the season. I look forward to reading more.
Thanks sis. And we’re just getting started. Wait until we get to the church’s role in propping up misogyny and patriarchy.
This is simply an amazing write up! Thank you for not just focusing on the obvious, but encouraging us to consider what may not be so obvious. We need a healthy place to dialogue!
Thank you, Pastor. That’s my prayer.
I struggle with the duality of What I believe the Word Demands and What my heart of hearts tells me I cannot abide with. I used to think I held self destructive anger inside but, I have made a self reckoning with the knowledge that, I feel nobody has this “Christian Walk” thing down, hence the numbers of offshoots in the faith we see today. I’m still learning, I remain open to sound doctrine so, I find myself here..Thank you for the opportunity to examine the aspects of my faith without judgment.
You’re not the only one who struggles with that
Thankfully, God in his infinite wisdom gave us the ability to emote and think. Justin and I were just having the discussion of 20/20. And, to have 20/20 vision is for things to be seen, in plain sight, just as they are. And that is what 2020 is bringing us. God is not surprised or overwhelmed no matter how much we might be. It is a privilege to be able to dialogue about the hurt, pain, anger, fear and anxiety that we as people have felt historically and still feel. It is a blessing that we are such a talented, incredibly intelligent, powerful subset of the population that when WE decide to be unified and make a difference- there is a shift. We are shifting. It doesn’t feel good. I find myself upset everyday about something and everything. I am tired. I am frustrated. But I am empowered. I am faithful and fierce and a force. Not in spite of, but because of my Christianity. Admittedly, I am a BIG work in progress. My brain doesn’t forget no matter how much by heart/soul/faith says forgive. As someone stated, we can extend grace. And, for me, that is to know that forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. I can love from afar…..way way far!
We have a biblical mandate to forgive, not to forget. I can definitely love from afar.
Go Jesus! Let out that frustration. “You made my Father’s house a den of thieves!” I’ll never forget anything in that book, but THAT? Golden.
H 🧊
That was pretty good, huh?
This was an excellent expression of what so many of us are feeling! We have definitely been having this conversation in my household. Both my wife and I are alumni of ORU which of course has a Right-wing evangelical slant (though I doubt anyone in leadership would admit or acknowledge it). Be that as it may, it was interesting that forgiveness was always taught from the perspective as it was something owed from the oppressed to the oppressor – as opposed to the oppressor truly being repentant.
I am allowing myself to be angry. I’m mad and I’m comfortable with that. What is happening to people of color in this country should make us all angry and until things change I will continue to be angered by the oppression of my people. Now of course that doesn’t mean that I allow my anger to paralyze me into inaction or poison my heart…but I feel no need to justify the fact that I am angered by what’s happening. Thanks for providing a platform for this discussion!
So dope to finally read something that calls it what it is! Looking forward to more content!
Thank you, sister!
This is amazing and so on point. I have lived some of the overt racism of the forties up until this present day. I’ve seen and experienced lots of things that most of the bloggers on this web-site may have only heard about. No it does not make me an expert in Jim Crow laws or segregation as it was once known, but it does make me realize that we still have a long way to go. Angry sometimes is an understatement for me. If we as a people did not express our discontentment for how we are treated as dogs who are only good enough to receive the crumbs from the white man’s table, we would not have gotten as far as we are today. Thank God we are no longer going to be bow down and continue to accept mediocrity. I thank God for allowing George Floyd to our Sacrificial Lamb. Finally, our anger is being catapulted into a movement and not a moment. We are on our way and I thank God I’m still here to witness this. Thank the Lord for you Pastor Torrey, a man of God for this time and season.
This is a movement and not a moment! I love it!
Thanks for posting. I’ve felt like this for sometime and am happy to hear from someone I know I can trust to help navigate being both a black male and christian. I’m looking forward to more great content from you.
This information is so substantive and relevant to the issues. It truly should resonate with all of us who have been certain about our pain yet cautioned in our responses so as not to offend or “rock the boat” too much because we were taught to pursue peace. I agree that as Christians we should always endeavor to show the love of Christ, but we are certainly free to revolt against the realization of oppression and the unjust social systems that have been “on our necks” for centuries. As I read your post and was enlightened, I thought about who I am… also black, smart and saved, but also the spouse of a police officer, mother, mentor and role model– all of which call for an exemplary stance and responsibility to lead those who are watching. We must lead them to realize that things will never be the same. It’s time for us to come to forefront and take our rightful places and speak truth to power. I’m so glad you are doing just that. Proud of you Bro!!!
“As Christians we should always endeavor to show the love of Christ, but we are certainly free to revolt against the realization of oppression and the unjust social systems that have been “on our necks” for centuries.” Truer words were never spoken C!